As Of Yet (to be discovered...)
05.08.06 (1:34 am) [edit]I spin this disk on my finger Reluctant to let go I was trying to runaway from my sorrow It seems the wall comes closer In the dresser of my dressing closet room door I feel so emoted, is it cause i've been demoted again? *SPIRALING! waiting to see LIGHT OF ME! hoping to breath Raptured in the lift of my blood I am drowning, the only one who is closet to me Please save me i am not this ready yet And i am not so devout to tis prep Pondering where i met you, i met you in my class I was hoping that this evil bliss could last But it didnt, To bad it didnt *SPIRALING! waiting to see LIGHT OF ME! hoping to breath Raptured in the lift of my blood ^These emotions start to run high on now With this sound i will start to cry Absolutly when one wants to die As you see, when you say, that i love you in every way I dont care, you get scared, then you run away Just run away.... *Spiraling just waiting to see The light of me, hoping to breath Rapturing the lift of my blood (crescendo) SMILING! I WALK AWAY FROM THIS A STRONGER MAN TO BE MISSED I WILL WALK, I WILL RUN I AM BETTER AT LAST, and i cant be fired for this, FOR THIS CAUSE I AM EMANCIPATED FROM... my love... (This is about me saying good bye to my ex-fiance and that i am finaly over you. I love you and everything but all the SHE HIT that we've been through, and everything i have done for you. Well it just went down the drain. I am better than this, and i have more things to do then just to cry about it. I am sick of waiting and i am not going to live forever.If i make it to 25 i will be lucky to have survied and you kno i will always love you. But the thing is THIS WAS YOUR LOSS AND YOUR MISTAKE. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LET ME GO FREE. Thank you for pulling me in circles for months on end. For letting me see that your an ass. For wasting my time, love, life, and tears on you. For helping me to realise i can do better and you kno what. GOOD BYE, i walk out of this one alive. PS- All the times that we have been together as friends or lovers, was just spent in you saying things that werent true. If you love me you can try but other wise this is good bye.)
Well.....
04.21.06 (1:14 am) [edit]Decaying in the ruines of a lost city from hell. Wander this lonely path alone as those who cant see, Him. Degenerated and consumed in a load of factuated erratic spazmas of pain. Those fluctuations of interperetations fail. Miserable. Secluded into this shroud of a nautilis. The fragile creature that has survived. The chambers being built one by one. While i am being killed. One tic at a time.
In Jersey Again
06.25.05 (3:09 pm) [edit]Hey all i am in New Jersey right now and i dont get back untill Wendsay the 29 but i am on a buisness trip. Its the anime stuff this time. And also about my book. I cant wait till its done. I am hoping to talk to you guys soon
PS- Eclipse if you read this. I cant get you off of my mind. I have tryed to find and love someone else. But i cant. The thing is i really love you. And i miss seeing your face. Call me on my cell and dial 1-804 ok bye for now. I love you.
Tears Are Comming
05.24.05 (9:17 am) [edit]After a relationship it feels fresh like a new start right. Well then you start thinking about things and how everylittle thing reminds you of that one spacial person. And then it finally hits you. ITS OVER.
The choking feeling in my head.
The sinking feeling only half stead.
Tears build within my eyes.
And the openness ripps me apart.
Then the tears fall.
And all one cal do is cry.
The warm feeling,
Was lost a drift.
Nothing happens
Your heart stops.
The world you know shatters and falls.
The place you called home.
Now seemes empty,
Like your heart.
In the end
Your heart is dead.
Colder than nitrogen.
Darker than space.
Hollow and empty like it too.
And the thing that sets you the most.
Is knowing that you've seen your ghost.
HELP IN HELL
05.17.05 (12:51 am) [edit]I Refuse May 17, 2005
Listening to: Opium Kadavers(my band) - In Return (one of my entries)
Feeling: inlove
If you love someone sooo much that if they were going to die of STD's would you take the STD and get infected too just to die by their side? I WOULD
I know it sounds stupid too but when you love some one so much that you could let go to him but not life. Then talk!
I swear if it is an STD. Then i will kill myself. You cant have an STD because we are both clean i know i have my check up and got tested for everything too! And if you die i will fucking cry and fucking kill myself! I dont know how to live with out you, if only i didnt meet you. God Damn it why does this happen to me? Either way i love you and i wont let you go! There is no way i am letting go! Not now i will not give up. There is no way. I love you too much just to let you go. I have casted a spell and it WILL come to me. You WILL be fine. I know because I LOVE YOU. An if you die then i would die too, because....... you are a part of me. And if you leave now. I couldnt move on and i know that. I know i cant! so that damn thing better go away or else i willl give you surgery myself.
After the End
After this ends will you still be there?
Will you still care?
This brotherhood a bond of misfortune.
A love abound the insesed wound so crune.
When our love stops and we grow apart
Will we still run away in the dark?
Eventually youmay stop loving me or mabe
It is me who will stop loving you, you'll see.
But if this relation lasts between us.
Will our brotherhood be something more?
I want to know i really do implore.
Tell me after collegate affairs
That the person i love still cares
And after your marrage is sought
The kindness and love we had wont be lost.
Or tell me this brotherhood is a mask of glue.
So that mabe one day i can say i do
Because the fact that i love you.
Fuckers Gone
05.15.05 (11:06 pm) [edit]# 1 day this month May 15, 2005
Listening to: Avril Lavigne -
Surrent Mood: No mood could possibly describe my happiness right now.
Oh my Gods. This weekend was the best day of my whole life so far. I got to spend this weekend with the person i love. I went to dinner with my family. And best of all. My life is sort of coming together. I hopw it stayd this way for a long time. Oh and i can wear some of my old clothing again! i am skinnier! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAH
Now i can rule the world in a slimmer suite!
Oh and i am sooooooo sorry for Chrisdiamo. He has been arrested for death threats to me and my other friends. And i am very sorry to all those on sitdiary affected but his dumb idiotic actions. So to all those who have been affected by him. i am very sorry. And if there is anything i can do to ammend it i will try my bestest to so let me know.
CHRISDIAMO, I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN IN JAIL BECAUSE YOU WONT BE OUT FOR A WHILE!!!!! ASS HOLE. SEE THE POWER OF HAVING GOOD FRIENDS? OF COURSE NOT,FROM NO FRIENDS TO MANY IN LESS THAN 8 MONTHS. CAN DO ALOT. I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO LOVE, LIKE, AND TRUST AGAIN, AND NO THANKS TO YOU.
YOU CANT STOP THE POWER OF MY LOVE AND FRIENDS. AND IF YOU TRY TO YOU WILL FAIL. BECAUSE I AM NOT WEAK LIKE I WAS BEFORE.
I HAVE FRIENDS NOW AND I HAVE TRUST TOO.
BUT MOST OF ALL I HAVE LOVE. AND YOU DONT HAVE CONTROL OF ME NOW.
AND WHEN YOU GET OUT I WILL BE WAITING. BRING YOUR HANDS, FEET, AND YOUR SWORD, BUT BY THEN, KNOW THAT ALL OF MY FRINDS WILL BE THERE TOO.... WITH THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!
Navybrat08: hey, hey. i am glad for you. We did have fun. It was awsome!
Eclipse2: You left a shirt over here! But any who, you doing anything next weekend? Oh and my mom says hi. Love You, later.
Love
05.09.05 (7:18 pm) [edit]In Distant Love
Flouting in the air
And my heart is palpitating i swear
I want you know that i know
That i am in love with you,
And i care.
No matter how the world sets in,
And the people ridicule the past herein
Our lives will converge togethher as one.
And eventually be together holeness complete.
Its farther than anyone can possibly reach
But with you, i feel it is only a small feat.
I cant help this feeling wirling inside,
And it is something i dont want to hide.
There is the door
And here is my hand
Take it lets leave here
And take command.
Run Away Romance
05.02.05 (8:17 pm) [edit]Laboratory of the eternal brain
All of the memories in vain
The rushin feeling of remorse
Is just another problem like devorce
An apathy of everything
And a wanting on nothing
Left alone for centries to come
Waiting for things to be undone
Ebony woods in his back yard weep
Sing the morbididty while he sleeps
Into the darkness and up the hills
Where the black blood had been spilled.
Pain and damnation
Rule this land now
To all who are abdatious
And the weak abound
Rapturous voices ring in the air
All because of one little scare
He runs away deeper and deeper
Because in his home lies his own reeper.
His screams are within but loud to the touch
All in his head and the pain not so much.
Rattles of the bone
Around the carved stone.
The graveyard lit by a cresent moon
All in the spring night's tune.
Animals sing their last and lonely cries
As the two kiss goodbye.
+++++++++++++============ ===========++++++++
This is from a dream of mine that has been reocurring. It is about me and the one i love.
It is about running away into my back woods where there is a graveyard. And there we phuck. And the night is filled with sining insects. There we stay untill it id dawn and then we run back home.
align=leftI adopted a cute lil' gothy fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
align=leftI adopted a cute lil' ninja fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
align=leftI adopted a cute lil' poison fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
Sadistic Inferno
04.28.05 (11:05 am) [edit]Is this boy so sullen and silent
Meant to be the next hero?
Why does it seem he helps others
With out a second thought
But down to bone
He is sick and minggled
Its happiness but pain within
And the hands around his throught
Are squeezing in harder
Colapsing the spuratic apple of adam.
Low key and out of tune
The dropings of a nuclear melt down
Are attaking the people
He never should have kissed you
This is his trouble
His head's thought
In the opium filled tank
And the extensive bottle of wisky and wine
An addiction to what he cant have
But now he is in trouble
He cant break free
It is a hole in the net
His thought is to go but he is caught
Like a fly on the paper.
The toxic substance drowns his lungs
Love, it is his weakness
Yet his strength
Fire is flashing over head creeping forward
Malnutrision in the world disruption,
Quieted and calmed to lies.
He cannot think any more
He cant help it.
He is not fading any more.
Not back into the darkness
He must break free.
He is me.
A change
04.13.05 (12:22 am) [edit]Hey if you like my diary check out all og my other stuff at www.sitdiary.net/nightshade ok later for now i bid you adue.
I think I am Dieing........
04.10.05 (3:27 am) [edit]I cried for hours yesterday and today
I have built it up
Inside for too long
My feelings are shot
I feel empty like a drum
Sitting here helplessly in love
Emotions are flying everywhere
Blowing out like a spare
A last resort
My last resort
My two gravities
One is in the hospital( Bill)
The other isnt speeking to me
Or is he just avoiding me
Friends are trying to protect me
Stopping me from getting hurt
Its not going to happen
Its impossible.
I am in trouble
The blood wont stop gushing
It just keeps coming
And so i am typing
What could be my last
Entry........
Good bye for now.
And i love my friends alot.
LETS MEET UP NEXT TIME IN PARADISE
DEEP DOWN IN OUR AFTERLIFE.....
Gravity Pt 3
04.08.05 (9:02 am) [edit]I am in a cave of ice
Not only one but twice
Eternally i am still hopeful
And i know that i wont give up
Tears of pain
And non of joy
Is nothing to me now
Only you guys are
Pure vitality
Stricking pain
The poison of love
That flows through my veins
It isnt evil
It is what gets me through
And all know is that i love you
I will admit
It is all true
I feel the gravity in vain of ...
Gravity Pt Two
04.08.05 (12:43 am) [edit]After so many people telling me they liked the first one i wrote, i decided to write a second part to the poem. I hope you enjoy.
These things are all telling me
To go on, on
So an eternity
I feel a burning
I will keep searching
In vain of you.....
Why is it that when i talk to any one of you i feel calm
And why do i have this feeling
Happy yet sad
Love and the pain
That i get knowing
That both of you only see me as friends
I wish you could see me more than that
I want you both to know i love you
And i am not going to hide it any more
I am sick of hiding it
And need to explore
I cant be in a pit for the rest of my life
The gravity in pains of you
Posess the only way out
And so i am happy that the gravity
Is loosing hold in many ways
But there are so many other ways
That they have a hold
They are like hand pulling me out
And now i am the gravity
Keeping them to the gound
I feel the gravity
Something is telling me
I might not be in vain of both of you
I feel an eternity
In place of ..................................................
Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male |
Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you! |
Heart aches And Pains
04.07.05 (11:09 am) [edit]This painful feeling isnt new to me
I feel as if i am starting to bleed
how much tis hurts inside i scream
Why cant everyone just let me die
Abominations in this world
They dont care
Only mindless shrinks
Only in the job for the money and things
Power hungry anuses
Squeel at me
Forcing and pushing
Their way through me.
I hate this pain oh so much
This feelin i get of the thougths so vain
I want to shoot the poison into my veins
Then bleed to death thats all i wana gain.
Death the eternal solitude
Lonelyness is the purest fool
I am just another person
Pure in my thoughts
Inperfections sought.
Gravity In Place of Them
04.07.05 (9:38 am) [edit]I feel this weight
So sleek and clean.
Perfect like something
What could it have been
It was the Gravity
It was you
The ones i loved
The ones that i knew
Whos saved me,
So many times.
And stopped me both
From committing life's biggest crime.
And so I thank you my gravity.
I feel the gravity
In place of..................
Stunned Twice
04.06.05 (10:22 pm) [edit]I only like 2 people.
They are **** ******** and ***** ******
Any ways:
Two loves,
Two lives,
Two times my heart breaks.
Both straight
Both hate
The gayness inside
So what if i like them
I only love one of them
I cant help but wonder how i will tell him.
One knows
One hold a secret inside
A closet case?
No hes stright
So is the other
Why, doesnt any thing come my way
I feel so denied
I am completely over come
I am nothing
No more tears
No fears
I only want death
I only want for people to know
What its like
Two loves
Two lives
Two times my heart breaks
Two times my heart aches
Two times im in bed awake.
Not once but twice
No more rolls of the dice
No more chances to fight
Just to die because that is the pupose of my life.
Just to see what its like
To be.....................................................Me...
Scars
04.06.05 (10:17 pm) [edit]Scars on my body
Not needed or wanted
Felling so unwanted
So cold, and lonely
So sad and sullen
But i keep moving on
My smile as most say
Is empty and fired
They say i have been through much
But yet i still force my self to smile on
Is this true? Is this me?
Yes..... and no ......... Maybe
The pains of my life
Are still inside
And yes i still hide them
The scars of my time
The new scars on me
Are toughtless decisions
That i didnt think out
And now the marks
Will make people think
But, they will never know
What they are there for.
What they cannot see.
I will not tell to those who arent worthy
They dont understand
This world oh so dreary.
An Amazment
04.06.05 (10:15 pm) [edit]Its so amazing
How i cried 2 tears today
On the second of April
In the room of the trei.(three)
I actually cryed
Two drops of dead luck
How amazing this is
And then i stoped
Crying is so pointless for me
Because i am oh so empty
Why you ask?
Because all my life people say
That they are there for me
Really are they?
NO the answer so clear
My mother, my father
One gental and sincere
The other an asshole a pluttering fool
Full of empty promises and books made of stool
I was hoping today was a better day but it wasnt
Just the same
The same as its been for weeks gone past
The long nights that lay flat on thier backs
Nothing has changed the people the home
Not even the neighbors, who are getting so old
Why is it me? That this world seeks
Like a blood gushing hound.
Its so amazing i cried today
Because tears dont come easy
Not to this folk....................
Back To A Pit Of The Past
04.06.05 (10:13 pm) [edit]Another pit
Another day wasted like shit
A recollection of my past.
This same feeling
I have it back
I want to cry
I want to die
Everyone is wanting to cry.
Is it my fault?
Is it me.
Why am i the one being treated so mean
I am in a room
Dark and lonly
Peaceful and somber
Completely alone.
I want to be freed.
I am in isolation please just let me die
By bleed
Show me what is worse
To Live, Or to die
Why is it that i cant cry?
And why i will always be the one who commits suicide
Is it that i was meant to be lonly
Yes I am dont, dont you try to lie.
The ones i love i know are there
I know they care but they have lives of their own
I am sick of pulling all of them down
I feel like i am the one who drowns
Them.
I love them so much
But my pain forces me to flee
So now i hide from them everything
The real me.
I want them to know the pain that i feel
The sword that i wield.
But i dont want them to know this pain
This sorrow and passion
I have held in vein.
My hopes and dreams of this going away
Is never going to happen not ever...not today
But i will walk on tall and proud
And see if anyone notices my frown.
I dont want them to see my pain
The hell i hold, and what i gain
I will embelish and find a way
To cope and mope around all day
And so i apologize to all who read
This morbid poem that i deplete.
The way i relese the pain i hide
Are in my words
My thoughts of time
And mabe one day my hopes will
Come true....................................
And i will be ridden of this pain and guilt.
But for now ther are only two choices
To always walk on or
To devise my choices by ending my life
But now my choice is for ..........................................
(5 comments) | Talk or Leave
Back To A Pit
04.06.05 (10:12 pm) [edit]Another pit
Another day wasted like shit
A recollection of my past.
This same feeling
I have it back
I want to cry
I want to die
Everyone is wanting to cry.
Is it my fault?
Is it me.
Why am i the one being treated so mean
I am in a room
Dark and lonly
Peaceful and somber
Completely alone.
I want to be freed.
I am in isolation please just let me die
By bleed
Show me what is worse
To Live, Or to die
Why is it that i cant cry?
And why i will always be the one who commits suicide
Is it that i was meant to be lonly
Yes I am dont, dont you try to lie.
The ones i love i know are there
I know they care but they have lives of their own
I am sick of pulling all of them down
I feel like i am the one who drowns
Them.
I love them so much
But my pain forces me to flee
So now i hide from them everything
The real me.
I want them to know the pain that i feel
The sword that i wield.
But i dont want them to know this pain
This sorrow and passion
I have held in vein.
My hopes and dreams of this going away
Is never going to happen not ever...not today
But i will walk on tall and proud
And see if anyone notices my frown.
I dont want them to see my pain
The hell i hold, and what i gain
I will embelish and find a way
To cope and mope around all day
And so i apologize to all who read
This morbid poem that i deplete.
The way i relese the pain i hide
Are in my words
My thoughts of time
And mabe one day my hopes will
Come true....................................
And i will be ridden of this pain and guilt.
But for now ther are only two choices
To always walk on or
To devise my choices by ending my life
But now my choice is for ..........................................
(5 comments) | Talk or Leave
I am Alone
04.06.05 (10:11 pm) [edit]Some days i feel like crap.
Other times i just wana die.
And then there are times when i cry.
Cause no ones there......
And there is nothing to fall back on.
And there is absolutly nothing to live for.
And the only thing i wana do
Is just cry infront and for you.
But its not that simple...............
My life is just opium lies
And i have only one thing to live for......
My friends
The one thing that pulls me back
Back to life i lead
And the life i dream
The one and only thing that i want to
Is ......................................... die
And now i will fade to darkness and now i will fade into the nothingness of my life.....................................
You Wanted,Unwanted
04.06.05 (10:09 pm) [edit]You wanted me to be me.
Just to see me.
For who i am and what i can and cannot do.
But you changed oh so fast i cannot,
Wait
This may be my last and if it is
I assure you i implore you
To, To kill me and kill me fast
I cannot harm this love i've found
This, one sleeping oh so sound
This person, which i cannot speek
Another one another just like me.
Another person in a total liking
A person
I dont know if he is deniying
Because i really am gonna stop trying
Its hopeless
Completely motiveless
I should go
I want to this pain over welming
I just want to cry
My heart it is swelling up inside
I wanna die
I really want to die!!!
Its what i hide
The onething i have to deny
The huge secret locked up inside
I am overthis
So over bliss
There is no happiness for me
Just pain
As you will always read.
Where am I?
04.06.05 (10:08 pm) [edit]Where Am I ?
Why are you Still Here?
The soft breeze hits my cheek .
Empty ness surounds me
Shrowded in total Darkness
Eternally I am lonly.
Some one please help me.
Is some one, anyone there?
No, No one is there
Nobody cares
A ring?
That sound
The sound of life
That parades a million words.
No it id not a ring
It is a peice of shattered glass.
The sound of what was screems.
Cryies, lies, perpetual lonely ness.
Why, I want to know why.
Why is this,this way?
How can you possibly change.
No i dont beilive it.
You, you havent changed.
YOur faking again.
Lies you still speek in lies
And no i will not listen
No i am sick of listening.
Now leave.
I’m done, i have had enough.
This is so sick.
You creep, your nothing.
As if i would ever trust you.
No I will never trust you.
Never will I belive you.
The glass that lay here
Is the trust we once had
It is the lies that you had said.
The empty promises in my head.
The lies not even said.
Why? you ask., Because.....
All i have to say is BECAUSE.........
Where am I?
04.06.05 (10:07 pm) [edit]Where Am I ?
Why are you Still Here?
The soft breeze hits my cheek .
Empty ness surounds me
Shrowded in total Darkness
Eternally I am lonly.
Some one please help me.
Is some one, anyone there?
No, No one is there
Nobody cares
A ring?
That sound
The sound of life
That parades a million words.
No it id not a ring
It is a peice of shattered glass.
The sound of what was screems.
Cryies, lies, perpetual lonely ness.
Why, I want to know why.
Why is this,this way?
How can you possibly change.
No i dont beilive it.
You, you havent changed.
YOur faking again.
Lies you still speek in lies
And no i will not listen
No i am sick of listening.
Now leave.
I’m done, i have had enough.
This is so sick.
You creep, your nothing.
As if i would ever trust you.
No I will never trust you.
Never will I belive you.
The glass that lay here
Is the trust we once had
It is the lies that you had said.
The empty promises in my head.
The lies not even said.
Why? you ask., Because.....
All i have to say is BECAUSE.........
A Forest Of Fire,A River Of Ice
04.06.05 (10:05 pm) [edit]In the forest of fire
Where the ice river flows
And the single slope moutain
Bend to and frow.
The suspecting victim of the tumorous brain
Can easily be seen as a worthless grain.
Venom rushes from the volcano top
Demolishing all
Not wasting any drop.
But thats not the world as i see
But is part of what is me.
Where the dawn is the dusk
And the noon is the night
A world that would fill everyone with fright.
I wish that this world
Was a reality of mine
So i could jump in the poison
And toxicate my mind.
Or is it that i all ready have?
And that its your fault
This entry, my entry
My blood that runs forth.